First Kill
by Creatureofthedark
Summary: oneshot. exactly what the title says. Lee's first kill that is. Takes place maybe a year after she meets the turtles. a night outside goes wrong and no one's there to help. at least not until after the problem has passed.


**i actually wrote this a long time ago and finally got around to typing it up. this takes place maybe a year after lee meets the turtles. back when she still had a sarcastic attitude. lol **

**First Kill**

Why do I always get into these situations? Why? Why me? These things always happen to me. And of course, it's always during one of the very few times I'm alone. So of course it would be tonight. And of course it would be this sort of thing. It always is.

I was supposed to pick up the pizza. I needed a reason to get out of the lair for a minute, and decided I wanted pizza from a place that doesn't deliver. It's the best place. I made that my excuse to take a walk. I had made it safely to the pizza place and was planning the perfect way to tease Raph about worrying almost as much as Leo about me. It was perfect. Until I got halfway home.

I sit the pizzas down in the corner of the alley I had led them to, never taking my eyes off of them. They had started following me a block or two away from the pizza place, and I figured it'd be easier to just take care of them. So I led them here. To the alley I know all too well doesn't have more than one way out.

As memories of this place come back to me, I start to feel my worst enemy. Fear. _But this time_, I argue with myself, _I can fight_. Not as well as the guys yet, mind you, but enough to fight off these drunks. And if anything happens, I have faith that Raph will jump down at the last minute like last time and save my pathetic little butt. Again.

There are four of them. Perfect. I can do this. After an incident of almost being mugged about seven months ago, Raph had set up extensive training for me in case I ever needed it. And I've taken on all four of them. Even Casey too. Haven't _always_ won, but I know how to take care of myself.

They stare at me for a second, slime all but drooling down their chins. Gross. Maybe if they cleaned up some and go jobs, they could actually get a girl. But nooo. They're too lazy.

"Hey sweetheart," one of them purrs. Ew no. Never mind. This guy needs a whole new personality to get a girl. Ugh.

Another laughs while the other two dumbly decide which of their 'superiors' to copy. Hmmm. The jeering or the laughing. Wow. Hard choice for me too. Ech. This fight will be so easy if they don't have weapons. But… it won't be too smart to rule that possibility out. If you think about it, almost anything could be a weapon.

These guys don't waste time. They come at me as soon as they shut their mouths. Ha ha! This is where the fun begins. Well, it's fun now that I know I can take care of myself. I remember last time as I drop down and swing my leg under one, causing him to fall into another. I kick one in the stomach, making him bend over as I swing my leg around to hit him and another in the head. That's not what happens.

I don't have time to process that my foot has been caught before it is twisted and I fall to the ground, crying out from pain in my ankle and back. I lay there, catching my breath as two more recover. A third lays on the ground a foot away from me. Cool. At least I kicked the first one.

I scan the area around me for some kind of weapon as the most sober of the four (the one who laughed) stands over me. I see a… wooden pole a few feet away. Now to only get there. Hmmm. What to do, what to do. Kick the guy? No. I can't get my foot that high. Um… insult him? Well… that might work. Maybe. Might just work enough to get me back on me feet. Alright. We'll see.

"Ya know, stinky, if you got a job and cleaned up some, you might actually be able to _get_ a girl."

It works. But as he yanks me up by my throat, only one thought goes through my mind. _Dangit. Now I can't breath._ That is one of the very few things that can get to me. A knife in the side? Sure, I've been cut before. A broken bone? Yeah, had one of those too. But choking me… I get light headed.

He doesn't know what hit him. I don't really either. I just know one second his hand is around my throat, the next I'm picking up the wooden pole and swinging it around so fast, Donnie would be proud. Then it all becomes a blur. The pain in my ankle is nothing now. I just want to kill these guys. And there's more than one reason for that. But my past is another story.

As I fight these guys, I am vaguely aware that they have knives. I find myself ducking them in ways I never thought I could. I find myself almost… anticipating their strikes. I can almost feel their motions, able to swerve out of the way just in time. Yet… I'm not fully aware of myself. I don't feel fully in control.

It doesn't take long before there is only one. The laugher. The others are all on the ground out cold. I'm kind of freaked out as to how that happened, but I don't let myself think about that right now. I only stare at him. Waiting for him to make his move so I can make mine.

It doesn't take long. He comes at me suddenly, but as before, I feel it coming. I lean back to duck the swipe to my neck and come back swinging the pole like one of Casey's hockey sticks. In a split second, I see his knife going for my stomach and aim for his hand. It makes contact, sending the knife into the air.

He cries out, but I hardly notice. I'm reaching for the knife. I jump up to reach it, but he tackles me to the ground and it clatters on the concrete a few feet away. Now it all becomes hands and fists. And this is one thing I _know_ I can do. When your best friend likes to wrestle, you pick up on a few things. Which is why I get away so easily.

With a twist of my arm, I hear a popping sound. Then my attacker is crying out. His grip on me is gone and I get my feet under me enough to propel myself into a roll. I snatch up the knife as I roll to my feet, staying in a crouching position. I wait for him to get up.

When he does, his left arm is hanging limply at his side. I grin to myself. He begins walking towards me, cussing me out with every word possible. You name it, I'm sure he's using it. He's also picking up the wooden pole. He twirls it around in his hand a few times as we size each other up. I'm afraid he's more sober than I thought he was.

Then he comes at me. I move. As I head towards him, it all becomes a blur. Him coming at me, me going at him. He's amazingly good with only one hand and I find myself becoming frustrated with the lack of headway. This is when things go wrong. Everything goes black.

I come back to myself, kneeling on one knee in front of the man, the knife in his stomach. I can only stare in shock as he takes a few more shaking breaths before the light seems to dim from his eyes. I let go of the knife, scrambling back to the wall of the alley as he falls to the ground and lays still. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them as I look at him in shock.

I killed him. I didn't mean to. But I did. He's dead. I did it. It's my fault. I killed him.

I look down to my right hand, blood still on it. His blood. My hand begins to shake and I feel myself getting sick. I lean over, emptying my stomach before scooting a few feet away. Tears begin to run down my face as I comprehend what I've just done.

I had just killed a man. Hadn't meant to, but did nonetheless. His blood is on my hands. Blood I didn't mean to spill. I only wanted to knock him out. So I could get home. I didn't mean to _kill_ him. That shouldn't have happened. Not to just protect myself. I shouldn't have killed him. But I did. Am I a murderer now?

Raph. I need Raph. I need the one who will understand. Who won't condemn me. Who'll listen and tell me it's okay even if it isn't. I want Raph. I _need _him. He has to come looking for me soon.

"Lee!"

The tears running down my face intensify. Even after killing someone, I still get someone to comfort me. I look up to the roof above to see Raph walking up to the edge. Before I can call up to him, he sees me. I've never seen him get to the ground so fast without hurting himself. When he gets here, he pulls me into his arms.

My arms go around his neck as his go around me and I bury my face in his chest. I feel him looking around and I cringe. He feels it and his arms tighten. "Did they hurt you, Lee?"

_Hurt me?_ Doesn't he see the man with the knife in his stomach lying there on the ground? I did that! I killed him! Doesn't he see the blood on my hand? Yes, he does. Because he's wiping it off.

I hear a humming sound and as I focus, I realize it's _me_ talking. But I don't stop. I _can't_ stop. I can't believe what I've done. I don't _want_ to stop. Because then I'll have to start thinking. And I don't want to think. So I keep talking.

Raph leans back and puts his hands to my face, holding it still. I grip his wrists, shaking my head, but he tightens his hold on me and looks me in the eyes. "Lee! Listen to me! It wasn't your fault. It's okay. You were protecting yourself."

I keep shaking my head.

He pulls my forehead to touch his, one hand under my chin and the other I feel smoothing my hair back. "It's okay Lee. It's okay. You did nothing wrong."

I finally force myself to stop rambling, settling to straight crying. Raph pulls me into his arms, wrapping them so tight around me that I can't move. He begins to rock me back and forth, murmuring things to me I'm not even listening to. It just calms me. He seems to know this and keeps going. Things eventually fade out.

***

What the…?

In instinct, my fist flies up into the air. It meets only another hand. I open my eyes to see Raph staring down at me wide-eyed, my fist in his hand inches from his face. I smile sheepishly. "Sorry."

He grins and sits on the edge of the bed. "No problem. Have a dream?"

I sit there for a second, trying to remember. Then things flash before my eyes. The fight. The man. I killed the man. I _killed_ the man. My head snaps up to look at Raph. "Did I…?"

His eyes harden. "You did nothing wrong Lee."

"But I-"

"No. No buts. If you hadn't killed him, he would have killed you."

I shake my head, looking down.

He lifts my face back up to look me in the eyes. "Lee, think about this. When _we _fight, does it make_ us_ bad because we kill people?"

"No."

His eyes soften. "Why?"

I think for a moment, then sigh. "Because you're protecting either yourself, the city, or someone else."

"And we have no choice if they don't back down," he adds.

I nod. "Okay. I see that."

"Good." He smiles at me, then pulls me into a hug. "Honestly though, sometimes we do get to not care anymore. It's what happens after a while."

I nod. "I know. I understand."

"You don't look at us differently now, do you?" he asks, pulling away.

I pull him back into another hug. "Never."

"That's good," he murmurs.

I look around. I'm in my room. "I take it you brought me home last night."

He chuckles. "And the pizza."

I laugh. "Was it okay?"

He grins. "It was fine." He reaches out to my dresser. "See for yourself."

I take the plate from him and begin to eat the cold pizza. "Mmmm. I think it's better this way." I turn to him, going back to my earlier mood. "I still feel like I did something wrong."

He sighs, putting his arm around me. "You did nothing wrong, Lee. It's okay. It will go away."

"When?"

He chuckles, kissing my temple before answering. "When you decide to let go."

I sigh. "Thanks a lot."

He chuckles again. "Don't worry. We were all the same."

I look up to him. "Even you?"

He grins. "I was the first. I panicked."

"You being the first doesn't really surprise me.

"I know. But the panicking does, right?"

I smile. "It does."

He grins. "I thought I was a horrible person. It took a lot of talking to Splinter to convince me. Leo was next. He was a wreck."

I smile. "I can see that. Sweet, loving Leo."

Raph chuckles. "You have no idea."

"Who was next?"

Raph's grin fades. "Ugh. Mikey flipped out."

"Awww. Poor Mikey."

He nods. "Yeah. I had no idea what to do. He cried."

"That's how I see Mikey freaking out back then," I say nodding.

"Yeah. I let Leo take that one." He grins ruefully.

"Aww. Look how much you've learned with me. How to take care of crying."

He shoves me lightly, growling a little. A grin spreads across his face. "Actually, I took care of Don."

"Oh, Donnie," I breathe.

Raph sighs. "Yeah. Donnie boy freaked out. Totally broke down."

I smile my soft smile reserved just for telling Raph I'm proud of him. "See, it's not so hard to comfort people."

He rolls his eyes, but looks back to me still serious. "I _had_ to. We were alone. And it was _Donnie_. I couldn't ever stand to see him cry."

I nod my head knowingly. "What happened?"

"We were out patrolling, paired up together. Ran into some guys doin' a warehouse job. When we were fightin', one of the guys pulls out a gun and aims at me. Nothin' I could do. Without even thinkin', Donnie took the guy out. Hit him hard enough to snap his neck."

I hiss through my teeth.

"You could hear it even. The thing was, Don was that mad. Mad enough to hit a guy so hard it snapped his neck." He shakes his head. "That's what surprised me."

"He loves you Raph."

"I know. It's just… so powerful to know that he'd kill for me. Especially back then."

I smile. "Pacifist Donnie, right?"

Raph smiles softly. "Right. Comforting him was the least I could do."

I nod, putting my plate on my dresser. "So… I'll get over it, huh?"

"You will. And don't be afraid to kill someone to save someone else or yourself. Remember, it's you or them."

I grimace. "I don't want to think about having to kill again right now."

"Alright. C'mon. Let's go see what everyone else is up to."

I follow him. If these guys can get over it, so can I. Especially if it someday comes to me saving them. I look up at Raph's face. Yeah, I decide, I would kill for him.


End file.
